Heart Cooks Brain
by Dali De Memoria
Summary: Gintoki knows better than to try to convince Zura to stop his crazy terrorist ways, but that doesn't stop him from doing it anyways. Humor.
1. Chapter 1

**There is No Use in Drinking Expired Strawberry Milk**

**Author: **Dali **  
**

**Rating: **PG-13

**Disclaimer:** Don't own. Don't sue. =]

* * *

Gintoki is damn sure that one of these days Zura was going to get them all killed, either with the flashy ways he conducts his terrorist business or that strange duck-penguin creature he totes around with him. Though if someone were to ask why Gintoki puts up with any of it, he'll just pick at his ear and tell them that it's because you can't get rid of Zura even if you tried. Case in point: the lady that owns the ramen shop whose closet gets blown in every other week by Sougo's bazooka because the Shinsengumi is convinced Zura takes up permanent residence in there (which he does occasionally).

But Gintoki isn't one to judge Zura for his persistence. There are things people fight for in their lives and for Zura the bushido of the Samurai's and the Empire of Japan is that consistent goal.

"You know Zura, like good strawberry milk, even the most revolutionary of causes expire. Sometimes you just have to know when to throw something out into the garbage before it gives your diarrhea."

"You know Gintoki, if you were any less lazy and any more intelligent I would be more inclined to listen to you. However, that isn't the case, so I'm just going to pretend like you said something agreeable for once in your miserable life."

"You know Zura, I think you need to just take a step back and look at the big picture. There is no big picture. You're just running around randomly bombing things. And I'm tired of my tax dollars being spent on fixing whatever random thing you blew up last week."

"You know Gintoki, you don't even pay tax."

"You know Zura, you're right."

"You know Gintoki, it's not Zura, it's Katsura!"


	2. Chapter 2

**You Should Always Drive With A "Might be" Attitude **

**Author:** Dali

**Rating: PG-13 **

**Disclaimer:** Don't own. Don't sue. =]

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Takasugi is _crazy_.

Not that fun kind of crazy that is evident in elderly family members that you don't speak of in public because they frequently referred to imaginary things that do not exists and happened to piss themselves while in the presence of important guests. No. Takasugi wasn't even fun 'Zura crazy,' that seems to fit in perfectly with the abnormality that surrounds the Yorozuya (what with all the bombings and jumping in and out of windows to evade psycho Shinsengumi prodigies). Takasugi was just plain old crazy. The kind that made you want to take maybe 5,183,756 steps back and run in the opposite direction in a manner resembling a chase involving an old hag and her rampaging robot maid on your tail for rent money that was three months late.

Yes, that was the kind of crazy Takasugi was. Maybe it stemmed from years of hardened bloodshed on the battlefield; perhaps a defense mechanism to shut down the inevitable progression towards a mental breakdown due to the weight of murdered lives crushing down on the soul, or maybe it was just because Takasugi was a crazy ass motherfucker. Plain and simple. Whatever it was, Gintoki knew for sure the bastard was crazy long before the whole Benizakura debacle and what more, no one had believed him till the shit actually started to hit the fan.

That idiot Sakamoto was always laughing in his idiotic way ("_Ahahahaha, Gintoki, you're so funny. Takasugi doesn't eat children's souls for breakfast!_") and was too busy staring off into the blank darkness of space to actually comprehend the warning Gintoki tried to give. After the first try, Gintoki felt that it might just be better to rid the world of Sakamoto's idiocy and call it a day.

Zura was a whole different matter. Zura, with his Samurai Bushido bullshit, couldn't believe that a comrade in arms could possibly turn rogue and try to kill allies (or God forbid, _friends_). But that didn't deter Gintoki from reminding Zura each and every day to watch his back. Just like how it didn't deter Gintoki from sitting Zura down to tell him to stop his revolutionary bullshit so that tax dollars wouldn't be wasted in fixing the damages caused by Sougo's bazooka and Zura's dumb justaways.

So, in the midst of this great public service announcement that Gintoki was doing for his friends and community, he couldn't comprehend why the Gods would punish him by placing him next to said maniac in a student driver vehicle on a faux driver's test course. The world was just too cruel.

"Maa—maa, Takasugi-san you shouldn't drive over pedestrians," said the meek, over-weight, more than slightly balding, middle-aged driving instructor. The poor man was in the midst of a conniption judging by the sight of his frantic breathing and flushed cheeks. Gintoki just sat in the back with his dead fish eyes staring out the window at the bloody trail of pedestrians being run over.

"Oi--, idiot, you're suppose to drive with the mentality that there might be danger and evade it." Gintoki shouted over a particularly blood-curdling scream of a pedestrian in the process of being run over by Takasugi. "You're a worse driver than Space Captain Zura," Gintoki grimaced.

Takasugi, crazy ass motherfucker that he is, just narrowed his eyes in the rearview mirror at Gintoki and swerved into another pedestrian without breaking eye contact the entire time. "This coming from the guy who gets around on a baby scooter. Really Gintoki, I think you're hardly qualified to be telling me whether or not I'm a worse driver than Zura." Another pedestrian bites the dust at the end of that sentence and Gintoki just rolls his eyes and goes back to staring at the trail of destruction.

Yup. Takasugi is crazy.


	3. Chapter 3

**Never Trust Strangers With Sweets (Because They Will Rape You)**

**Author:** Dali

**Rating:** PG-13

**Disclaimer:** Don't own. Don't sue. =]

**Note:** Thanks to **_Yosh_**,**_ hkfoot_**, **_XxabridgedgirlyxX_**, &**_ Scarlet Amaranth_** for the reviews. Just wanted current and future readers to know that these drabbles are meant to explore the characters and their wacky/insane relationships with one another. I, personally, love Gintama for that sole reason. =D

* * *

"Naa—Zura, I got something for you," Ginpachi said around his strawberry lollipop that was doing the most extraordinary thing; it was smoking at the end. Tiny wisps of smoke that smells suspiciously like tobacco was escaping from the end of the long white stick currently lodged loosely in the middle of Ginpachi's lazy grimace.

Katsura squinted his eyes at Ginpachi-sensei and blurted out loud, "Umm… Sensei, I don't think smoking is allowed within school vicinity. And it's Katsura, not Zura."

"Don't worry, kiddo. It's just my lollipop lolling."

"Somehow, that is highly unbelievable, Sensei. Plus I don't think there is such a word as 'lolling' either," the long haired boy added thoughtfully.

"Well, do you wanna know what I got for you or not?" Ginpachi asked, the ever-present exasperated tone clearly evident, as it usually is whenever speaking to Zura.

"If it's that hard test you gave us on sea planktons, then no, I don't want it. You don't even teach biology, Sensei! Speaking of which, you don't even teach period. Which is really unfair because I don't know how it's possible for Sougo-kun to pass all your tests and have the highest percentage in class!" Zura grumbled. "That and I am pretty sure it's a cigarette in your mouth because no lollipop can 'lolly' like that." Zura added as an addendum at the end of his rant.

Ginpachi sighed for the umpteenth time that day and resigned himself to the exasperating mess that was Zura. Shoving the square package into the boy's face (and squishing his nose in the process as well), Ginpachi was mid-step from turning around and walking back towards the stairwell that led to the school roof's exit before Zura's voice caught him. "Strawberry milk? You drink this kind of thing, Sensei?" Zura had the most indulgent smirk on his face as he examined the box of milk with chibi pink rabbits decoratively placed in what was suppose to be an aesthetically pleasing manner.

"What's wrong with it? I like that stuff. If you don't need it, give it back."

"Hmm… I'll drink it, but just to let you know, it's highly inappropriate to flirt with your students and to bribe them with sweet stuff like some old, lecherous pedophile." The indulgent smirk had seemed to taken permanent residence on Zura's stupid face.

"Shut up, you idiot, and drink the goddamn milk already," Ginpachi said, his lollipop still lolling at its leisure pace.

"Ok, only if you promise to flunk Sougo-kun on the next test," Zura said around the tiny straw he timidly sipped on.

"Hmph—I'll think about it…"


	4. Chapter 4

**Everyone Knows That Jar Jar Binks Killed The Star Wars Franchise**

**Author: **Dali

**Rating: **PG-13

**Disclaimer:** Don't own. Don't sue. =]

**Note:** Thanks to _**XxabridgedgirlyxX**_ for noticing my mistake in Chapter 3 regarding Gintoki's name. I fixed it just for you! Also, thanks to _**Runaway Roadkill**_ and _**Snow Cover**_. I love your long reviews, _**Snow Cover**_, and I am very appreciative of how you carefully dissected my writing style. You make me very happy inside!

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There were those nights where sleep was elusive and all that clouded his consciousness was the stains of blood and otherworldly screams of pain and death. _Shiroyasha_. _Shiroyasha_. _Shiroyasha_… the name echoes amongst the chanting mass on a desolate battlefield fill with carnage and gore. There's a sense of savagery in the name. A distinct scent of iron and blood in the oncoming rain fills his nostril as he breathes in deeply. Slaughter was on its way.

Gintoki's eyes slowly opened as the sunlight filtered into his room. Sitting up on the tatami mat, he slowly blinked away the sleepiness in his eyes. He had that dream again. Looking out the window, Gintoki just _knew_ that today was going to be a bad day.

* * *

Takasugi looked out of the window from his perch on the ledge. Small wisps of smoke escaping from the end of his pipe. An aromatic scent of tobacco and opium swirled in a delicate dance before a summer breeze decimated its fragile life. Takasugi smirked widely. Not bothering to even look over his shoulder, Takasugi called out to the other man sitting across the room from him.

Bansai sat against the wall with his legs stretched out and crossed at the ankles. Stoically, the music producer noted a slight change in posture from Takasugi. Shifting his shoulder a bit and slipping his right hand into his left kimono sleeve, Takasugi let out another puff of smoke before saying, "We should take over the world."

"I thought we already are taking over the world."

"No, no, those were just pre-emptive measures in the process of taking over the world. We should probably start taking over the world soon. Like right now." Another plume of smoke drifted off into the wind.

"Well, I'm busy later today," Bansai said as he uncrossed his ankles.

"With what?"

"I have an Otsuu concert."

"Oh, ok, we can push it to the day after, I suppose," Takasugi shrugged his shoulder nonchalantly.

"You wanna go? I got an extra ticket."

"Yeah, alright. I have nothing better to do than watch that _Lady's Twelve_ rerun. But if I see that megane kid, I'm going to punch him in the back of the head."

"As long as you don't start any riots or mosh pits. Those always scare Otsuu and then she gets angry and rips off Kimura's mole."

* * *

The concert hall was crowded with overweight and desperately lonely otakus. Takasugi could make out Bansai's spiky head from the side of the stage. Pushing himself off the wall he was leaning against, Takasugi was about to take a step towards the center of the crowd when he felt something slam into his side.

"So—so—sorry! I didn't mean to bump into you."

Takasugi looked down at the dark brown head bowing at him. There was something slightly familiar about this bowing figure. The person straightened up and smiled at him good-naturedly while rubbing the back of his head in embarrassment. Takasugi's only visible eye narrowed in glee and amusement once recognition hit.

"Oi—You're that megane kid," Takasugi said.

The kid opens his eyes and they widen in the most comical fashion. Sweat drops start to form at a rapid pace as the kid's face sour into a scared expression, "Ta—Ta—Takasugi-san!" The kid exclaimed as he point his index finger at Takasugi in fear and surprise.

"Now, before you start running off to wet your pants in a corner somewhere, kid, I just want to give you something," Takasugi drawled. And without further ado, a punch to the head was delivered, leaving Shinpachi facedown and twitching on the ground.

* * *

Gintoki yawned before flipping on to the next page of _Jump_. Ichigo had just achieved bankai and was about to kick some espada ass when Gintoki heard a slam of the front door. Not bothering to move the magazine, Gintoki called out, "How was Otsuu-chan's concert?"

A small whimper replied. Raising an eyebrow, Gintoki slowly shifted his head to the side so half of his face was showing from behind the Jump magazine. Shinpachi looked worse for wears. The boy's glasses were askew and there was a large, red bump on his head. "Ara—Shinpachi, why do you look like Doraemon just body-slammed you?" Kagura-chan asked from around her mouthful of rice.

Shinpachi spazzed out, "I wish Doraemon just kicked my ass! No, it was Takasugi-san! That dangerous guy was at Otsuu-chan's concert!"

Snorting at the absurdity of the situation, Gintoki flipped to the next page, "Yeah, that crazy fucker would do something like that just to throw people off."

"Gin-san, how can you be so calm? I almost died!" Shinpachi wailed dramatically. "And after hitting me, he also said that I was the Jar Jar Binks of Gintama. He said I was an offensive stereotype to otakus and that I was going to ruin our ratings, so if he ever sees me again he's going to kill me!"

Kagura swallowed her mouthful of rice, "Ara—he's right, yanno. Aside from your glasses and frequent freak outs, you're really not doing much to bring in the ratings."

"WHAT!?!? I DO MY PART! UNLIKE YOU, YOU MONSTER-GIRL!"

"You can't even fight properly. And your comedic relief is weak. The running gag of the show is that we only see you as a pair of glasses."

"WHAT!?!? I AM A COMEDIC GENIUS! GENIUS, I TELLS YOU!"

"No, you're more like the 7th season of Naruto, a complete disappointment and a waste of time."

Loud crashes accompanied that last sentence. Gintoki sighed. He knew having that dream was an omen. Today was a bad day. Briefly, he wondered if could send Takasugi a cake with a bomb in it. Or better yet, get Zura to do it for him.


End file.
